My self-reflections or my paranoia? You help me decide. It can be a bit of both also. Now, have you ever wondered or ask yourself, "Why am I born into this world?". Well, I do. You must be thinking what for ask this question. Since I'm already born, so be it. Get ahead with life. But, the reason why I ask myself the question above is because at times, when I come to think of it, I do regret being born.

Its not that I'm not being grateful to be given a life, but reflecting back my life from primary school to secondary school to poly, i dont want to be born. Problems arise since I was in primary school & just when I thought life would be better when I became more matured, things doesnt seem to go my way. Best friends? Close friends? Good friends? How many are true? It's countable for me. As far as I'm concerned, I can only count 3. (Fizah, Zul, AiLing, if you're reading this, you're 1 of them.)

Yeah yeah, I know, true friends are hard to come by. Even now, when I have my cliques, I dont even feel a sense of belonging. Now, my cliques, dont get the wrong idea. I love you ppl a lot. You're the ones I trust most. It's just that, in general, all my friends, those whom Im close with, all have their own friends, 1 which they go the xtra mile 4. 1 which they'll trust wholeheartedly. If you get what I mean.

I neglect others, I do things on my own - It all seems to be my fault. Totally my fault. Why cant I just be myself & let others accept me as who I am? No wonder. Now I finally know the reason why I find myself lonely at times. It's all coz of this. Have friends, seems like no friends. Have ppl I trust, they dont trust me. My life is so full of regrets until I dont feel lyk I should even be born into this world. If im not around, then wont the ppl I meet be more happy? Yes, I know, nobody's perfect. But at least 1 should know their own strengths & weaknesses in friendship.I dont find any strengths in me. I only see the weaknesses that ppl c in me.

Haiz... I really dont know what to do now. Life is predestined. & why must my life be planned diz way? Or maybe why am I brought up diz way? Im nt blaming this on the way my parents brought me up, but you know, its juz a question I ask. Theres no right in whatever I say or do now. Ppl will always look out for the bad in me. & why am I crying over this matter? I've just too many weaknesses to work on. I just want to go & run away. Run far far away & never come back. Then, ppl around me wld lead a better life. I wont trouble others or make mistakes again. Then, nothing would be my fault.

My paranoia? My self-reflections? Or Me being Irrational? I dont know. All I know is, I wish I could turn back time & atone for my mistakes. Then, run to a place where I will hurt no one. Life would be better for everyone that way.

*/i'm going home; back to a place where I belong. (at this time, i dont belong anywhere.)